As the year 2019 came upon its final days, I reflected on the many ways I have experienced self-transformative growth in seeking internal peace and harmony. 2019 was the year I turned 18 years old, therefore I became a legal “adult”. I obtained insight that disproved all my misconceptions and preconceived notions on what that truly entails in this year more than any other before. This felt as if I was instantly stripped of my youthful innocence and rose to a newfound level of maturity. 2019 was also the year I had long-awaited since I was a child, knowing it would be the year I graduate high school. I feel that my last year of high school significantly shaped who I strive to be as a person. Many of the things I have learned through this past year carry into the things I wish to manifest for myself in year 2020. In wanting to begin my journey of a potential writing career, I thought that conveying all my hopes, dreams, and fears in going into the new year, as well as the lessons that the past year has taught me, would potentially guide me to the inspiration I will need to only create more in the future.

Before I ever began writing, I concluded that rather than stick to one specific subject, I would write a variety of posts about whatever topics interest me. When introduced to me through my senior year English class, I immediately was drawn to our topic of discussion at the time: the idea of existentialism. By definition this is a philosophical theory that stresses free will and personal responsibility. Psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl, believed that humans are motivated by a desire to find meaning in life, a “will to meaning”. I do believe this to be true, that by human nature we habitually find ourselves, in one way or another, longing for meaning to make sense of every aspect of our world. Arguing that meaning can be found in life even in the most tragic circumstances, he wrote that “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.” I was touched by this quote, feeling a personal connection to these words in the sense that, while one may think I feel discouraged by my disability, I refuse to let it completely define the way I chose to live my life. In fact, I choose to embrace that it will always be an important part of who I am as a person. Basing his notion on personal experiences at the hands of suffering, and his inclination to find meaning through suffering, Frankl believed that even if we can not change seemingly unfathomable misfortunes, we have the ability to change the way we allow ourselves to respond. If I have not already lost you after briefly geeking out over this topic, please read on.

I truly believe whether good or bad, things do happen for a reason. That reason we may already know, we may know within the coming days, or most importantly we may never know and that’s okay, but there is some reason things have occurred the way they did and in the end, they will help shape our person. I have learned to halt myself from overthinking, and simply accept select situations for how they are. Understanding that certain things were destined to happen has actually contributed to me experiencing far less anxiety.

I much too often find myself questioning why everything I experience happens certain ways, preventing me from simply stopping and realizing that in reality, I have created a false mental image and negative reasoning behind every situation that may not need to have any particular answer at that point in time. If there’s one thing I am learning in order to reach full self-content, it is that not always with every little thing that happens in life do we have to automatically understand its meaning. Recognize that even if we never understand why, that it did happen for some reason. Set about every situation with more optimism and rid yourself of fearful suspicion. Don’t worry yourself with the things that in time will no longer affect the course of your life. Allow yourself the pleasure of looking forward to what’s to come by having an open mind to the things that we may have previously passed up. At the same time, be cautious of the people, or anything in life that you allow to affect the extent of your happiness, especially when you’re one to willingly wear your heart out on your sleeve. As stated before, we may not be able to change certain occurrences, but we do have the ability to choose wisely in how we react and how we allow ourselves to be affected by every obstacle thrown our way. Whether we choose to accept it or not, perhaps the things that have happened to us have transpired for a reason.

Sometimes we need to question in order to gain the answers to something we may have otherwise ignored or allowed ourselves to blindly get hurt by because we didn’t question them sooner. I believe that I need to stop negatively pondering “Why is this happening to me?” and tackle each uncertainty by positively asking myself “What is this trying to teach me?”. I need to be intrepid in pursuing the opportunities that lie ahead of me that I have once approached with apprehension. It is understandable for one to wishfully seek meaning, for it can oftentimes allow greater knowledge or insight into the things we’re curious about and open new doors we may have never seen if it weren’t for our search for meaning.

I tend to only see the good in people, therefore I am blinded to the “real” side of someone behind closed doors. Due to this, I have learned that questioning is justifiable. It is okay to question what we want. It is okay to question if we have what we deserve. If we do not have these, then it is okay for us be selfish and change the course we are on. It is okay for us to want change until our heart’s content. When before I would exhaust myself with questioning why I am not receiving the same effort I am putting out then typically move on and accept things to be the way they are, now I have learned that it is okay to act on these feelings.

In any type of bond, you can’t totally rely on someone else for your happiness. Most of the time, you have to find happiness within yourself before you can look for it elsewhere. I know this is not only true for me, having observed many instances of others tolerating such treatment. With the passage of time, I have been able to realize what it is that I deserve and to accept what I am sure some of us can relate to, that a few best friends should be kept close and cherished rather than the people you were meant to spend one temporary fun day with. In this sense, I have learned that less means more, fewer friends suffice when actions rather than empty promises prove who you can wholeheartedly depend on. As easier said than it is done, perhaps we must not trust so freely. Especially this year, I learned a harsh lesson: question others intentions more. One may seem welcoming and trustworthy, but their intentions don’t match the same energy you have blindly and willingly put out for them. Ultimately it is a waste of your time if one in your life is not matching or exceeding your caring energy and tireless efforts, and it is completely reasonable to question perpetual patterns of feeling undervalued.

In briefly seeking beneficial meaning, I was astonished at the interesting information I found out during the process of writing this, about the number 2020 and the connection to the whole message of this writing. This subject at hand will be of high interest for anyone intrigued by tarot or horoscopes, but specifically numerology.

As the story goes, the number 2020 signifies the great potential of your own life. With the appearance of this number into your life, you are to use your talents and gifts in some way to better your world. This number is a reminder of the goals you want to accomplish and to use your wisdom in your decision making. This number tells you to not shy away from but go after every desire held in your heart and that you must live your life to the fullest. Then, almost scarily connecting to my thoughts and feelings that I have already expressed, it is said that the number 2020 appears when you need a sense of equanimity in your life, especially during times of self conflict, and that it symbolizes that you must live your life in peace and harmony. Perhaps I’ve already manifested the future of my year 2020 in writing this piece alone?

Going into this new year with the cliché “New year, new me” mentality, I have pushed aside all my worries to find my meaning. I have allowed myself to live my life the way I want to live it, surrounded by only the people in my life that are here to elevate it and uplift my spirits. I have focused all my efforts on the choices of not who others want me to be but who I desire to be, thus kickstarting my passion to be a writer.

I feel I can best express myself when I simply let myself get lost in storytelling. I won’t lie and say certain fears and doubts haven’t clouded my path to beginning a career in writing. I have feared no one will care any bit what I have to say. I feared that I would never be able to formulate my words from my mind and transfer them to my keyboard. But as you can see, this is no issue when you have thoughts and ideas coursing incessantly through your mind at midnight and the urgency to share them pesters your mind to the point that every word spills fluently.

I have always felt that every single one of us has a story to tell. So here I am, just your typical teenage girl with a story to tell, hoping that my words resonate at least with one other person. Knowing that I myself am fully content with every piece I wish to create, here I am at 18 years old and I’ve already defied the biggest odds, but we will get to that another time. So what do I wish to manifest for myself in year 2020? All I wish for myself is to be happy, surrounded by positivity, love, and inspiration. I dream to get a taste of success. I only hope that I continue defying every odd against me as I move “Ever Onward”.